Leprosy patients from Hawaii to see canonization of Fr. Damien

Leprosy patients from Hawaii to see canonization of Fr. Damien

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Embrace the Horror

Short rundown of today:

• Lotus informs me that she's "smart enough already" and does not want to continue her education, because her "brain is full and is going to explode".  She then hints darkly that an exploding brain will leave a stain that will render this house unsellable.
• Gabriel falls out of the shopping cart at Wal-Mart, landing on his head.  He then spends the rest of the shopping trip singing a song about cheese.
• Jude clearly tells me "no", then crawls off down the hall, laughing manically.
• Joaquin badgers me at bedtime with 1000 theological questions revolving around who exactly is a prince in heaven.  And what does God's throne look like?  Joaquin determines that God's throne looks like sharks.
• Ken arrives at work to find a subpoena in his desk.

Prince Phillip

Joaquin comes sauntering into the bedroom this morning.  Picture the following:  A skinny little four year old boy, in green stripey footie pajamas (with holes in both feet).  There is a gun holster around his tiny waist (with the holsters put on backwards, so the gun handles are knocking into each other in front of him), a wooden sword jammed into the back of his shirt, hilt protruding eight inches over his right shoulder, a red light sabre in one hand, and a paint stick in the other.
"Good morning, lady.  I am Prince Phillip."  I am momentarily dizzy by the number of toy weapons this boy has somehow accumulated.
"Good morning, Prince Phillip."
"I am here to protect your kingdom."
"Really?  That's great."   As I am unable to immediately think of any threat the kingdom currently faces, we stare blankly at one another for a few moments.  "Prince Phillip, I love you.  Do you have a wife?"  He nods yes.
"She's back at my castle.  She's the Queen.  Princes have to marry queens."
"Oh."  I say.  "Makes sense.  Do you have any children?"  Prince Phillip nods.  "What are their names?"
"There's Junior, Wookie-"  I cut him off.
"Excuse me, did you say 'Wookie'?"  He nods.  "Oh.  Junior and Wookie.  Those are nice names."
"There are more.  There's Ellie and Terrie and Pah'ee."
"Ellie and Terrie and Pah'ee?"  I'm usually good at not laughing at my children's make believe, but the combination of names Prince Phillip has given his children sets a little tremor in my voice.
"Yeaaaah.  Would you like to meet them?  I have a long horse that can fit them all so they can come meet you."
"I'm sorry, did you just say that you have a 'long horse to fit them all'?"  He nods.  "Yes, I'd love to meet them."
He wanders out of the room.  From the living room, I hear him call to his five children to get on the horse and come meet me.  They must be spectacularly well behaved children, because he's returned in no time, introducing me to Junior, Wookie, Ellie, Terrie, and Pah'ee.  They all seem lovely.  Ken (who has now woken up enough to engage Prince Phillip in conversation), asks the prince what the horse's name is.
"He doesn't have one."  the prince responds.
"A horse with no name, huh?  Someone should make a song about that."  I think my observation is funny, the prince is not amused. 
"Well.  Her name is....Darren."  He looks up at me quickly.  "Is Darren a girl's name?" 
"I guess so."
A sliding noise is then heard coming down the hall.  Gabriel appears in the doorway, sliding an object that the boys have alarmingly dubbed their "weapons box" (think: empty case of diapers from Costco).  Gabriel looks for all the world like the dutiful but dimwitted sidekick.  Prince Phillip instructs his page to take the weapons box back to the castle, but not before I hear the unmistakable sound of jingle bells coming from the box.
"What's jingling in there?  Do you have a weapon that jingles?"  Prince Phillip nods.
"Yes.  That's what the animals use to signal to me that there is an evil giraffe I have to slay."
"Evil giraffe?"
"Yes."  He says very seriously.  "It happens all the time."

Food Chain

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Welcome Jessica's Roommates!

I hope all you down there at Ave Maria are fully appreciative of the sunshine.  I'm not jealous, really.

(I hope you find one of those scary Banana spiders in your bathroom)

Stupid Color Pre-Selects

I switched to the "updated" version of blogger editor.  However, "updated", in this case, does not mean "better", since the only colors you can pick for fonts are a very limited number of preselected tones.  And the only orange choice I find to be very difficult to read.  So I have had to switch to a murky sort of brown.  Which I am feeling resentful about.  But, considering we're on day 4 of rain, and the weather forecast is telling me I just have to get used to it until at least next Wednesday, everything is making me a bit testy.

Anyway, this is mostly me avoiding morning chores.

Conversation This Morning

I have blindly stumbled into the bathroom to put my contacts in.  Four children follow me, milling around my legs like rats in a swarm.
ME: Why are you all following me? 
None of them answer.  Lotus giggles and runs off, Jude tries to trip me, Gabriel and Joaquin stand on either side of me, like honor guards, as I wash my contacts and put them in.
ME:  You're following me so you can drive me crazy, right?  And then Daddy can find his new wife.  You're just trying to get your new Mommy here faster, aren't you?
Giggling
JOAQUIN: No Mama, we're following you because we love you.
ME:  I doubt that.  You're trying to get your new mommy here faster because she'll be prettier than I am.
JOAQUIN: No Mama, she won't.  You're extremely pretty.
GABRIEL: mutters something that I suspect is "Extremely pretty mama"
MAMA: I suppose.  But I'm still not giving you ice cream for breakfast, no matter how much you flatter me.

The Results Are In: I Never Learn

So after our last ill-fated dabbling in house buying activities (those of you who've been with me for a while, I'm talking about Bailey House.  Those of you who are just tuning in, the sad story is in the archives somewhere.  Complete with pictures!), you'd think I'd have learned.  Do not get emotionally attached to a house- in fact, do not even LOOK at houses- until this one has sold.  That is a fantastically good idea.  I should really consider following it.

Next time.

For now, I have fallen in love with a house.  In Memphis, of all places.  It's beautiful, big enough for Clan Donaldson, and has a pool.  And a play set in an area securely fenced off from the pool.  And the neighborhood is goregous.  And people in the neighborhood all know each other.  And there's sidewalks.  And it's within walking distance of a bookstore, a spice shop, and a bagel bakery. 

I have already envisioned myself living there, idly writing one of my many successful books poolside, while my Army of Darkness (a.k.a. the kids) frolics in the water.  School lessons will, of course, be easier to master in this house, IQs will grow to astounding levels, outweighed only by the strength of our Faith, Hope, and Charity.  The ozone layer will repair itself!  A sane and effective health care will emerge!  Poverty and homelessness will be eradicated!  The national debt will be paid off!!!

But only if I get this house.  So ask around. I'm sure you all know someone who wants to buy this one.  If you don't do it for me, do it for your country.

Karate Kid

We try to have family movie night once a week. But since we owe about a million dollars in late fees to Blockbuster, we're limited to watching a. movies we own and have seen a thousand times or b. what we can watch on Netlix instant play (certainly c. pay fine isn't something that is practical.  It's a MILLION DOLLAR FINE).


Tonight, while getting groceries for dinner at Kroger, I passed an $8 movie rack, and saw "Karate Kid" on there.  I spent a good three minutes debating whether or not to buy it, but ultimately took the chance that the movie was old enough to be on Netlix, and put it back.


Sure enough, it was!  Ah!  The glory of the Eighties!  Members Only jackets, feathered hair (even on the boys) and sythesizer music?  You betcha! 


Anyway, you remember the story, lovable Outsider from Newark moves to painfully hip California and gets on the wrong side of the local karate students.  It's an easy mistake to make, trust me.  Local karate students spend the first part of the movie beating the snot out of lovable outsider, who then must find the inner strength to get the girl and wear his feathered hair with confidence.


After one of the beatings, Joaquin began to ask me a series of questions that went something like this:

"Mamaaaaaaa?  Why are the bad boys BEATING the other boy?" (when he says the word "BEATING" he crouches into a karate stance and begins to punch the air).
"Because they're bad boys.  That's what bad boys do."
"Oh.  Mamaaaaaaa?  Why do the bad boys to things like that?"
"I don't know.  Maybe because they don't want to be holy."
"Oh.  Mamaaaaaaaa?  Why don't they want to be holy?"


At this point, Lotus looks up from her dinner, and explains the following to Joaquin, as if it were so obvious only the most severe sort of idiot would be confused:


"They're bad boys who aren't acting holy because their parents didn't eat dinner with them.  So they probably do drugs, too."


Sure enough, a few scenes later, Head Bad Boy is seen rolling a joint in the school bathroom.


Lotus might be the smartest person in our house.

"When You're On the Beach, I'll Marry You"- J. Donaldson

song and lyrics by Joaquin Donaldson
(sung at the breakfast table, over pancakes)

When you're on the beach
I'll marry you
We'll have candy corn
We'll have cotton candy
We'll have other kinds of candy
I'll marry you
and then....
(sudden change in tempo)
SLAY THAT DRAGON
AND BREAK THAT SHIELD
SLAY THAT DRAGON
AND BREAK  THAT SHEILD
(repeat until yelled at to stop by Mom)

Plans for Today at the Super Exclusive Private School My Children Attend

Today, at the ultra-exclusive private school Lotus and Joaquin attend, they will do the following:
1. an assembly on "sensitivity and tolerance training in dealings with age-enhanced peoples"  (i.e. Things not to say to your mom, "Hey, you're 34?  That's really old!")
2. real world workshopping entitled "last-minute gifting economics" (i.e. Daddy didn't get me a present yet, so he took two kids and sped off at 8:15 a.m. in search of something)
3. field trip to a rich cultural center (i.e. lunch at the Trouy house)
4. time spent "honoring the inner infant"  (i.e. naps)
5. talent show (i.e. frequent rounds of "Happy Birthday, Mommy")

If I play my cards right, I will never have to crack open a single book today.  Hey, why should public schools have all the fun?